Situation #12: WHAT TO DO ...

1.       WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE BORROWS ITEMS WITHOUT ASKING – This is a very irritating situation that is usually caused by your roommate’s incapacitation for doing laundry. This situation can be dealt with numerous ways, on a case by case basis. The answer to this question depends on the item borrowed:

 Underwear:  If your roommate borrows your drawers, don’t worry about it. What you should be worried about is how you knew they were wearing them (see situation #8 – What to do when your roommate comes out of the closet – for more info).

Jewelry/Accessories: I personally do not know what to do about this as I do not wear jewelry often.  Instead of making up an answer, I will turn it over to my good friend Alice Thacker:         

                                “There are a couple scenarios to consider here. Scenario A: If caught borrowing without permission then said jewelry item is ripped from their person. Scenario B: If discovered afterward, there are two choices – 1: You sell all of their jewelry, including any priceless heirlooms, to the kid at the lemonade stand down the street for re-sell, or, 2: You ‘borrow’ their underwear, wear them for a day (two days if you’re nasty) and then return them to their drawer.”                      

Pants: Very kindly explain, “Hey, I need my pants back. I was supposed to be taking them to the dry cleaners to get the lice exterminated today.”

Shirts: This is a tough one, as shirts are usually plentiful, and people are, for the most part, generally the same size. If it is a very important shirt to you, have a stern conversation with your roommate about what the shirt means to you and why they shouldn’t borrow it without asking, and then follow that up with a stern conversation with yourself about why a shirt is very important to you.

Personal Electronics: This is the touchiest of all items. We depend on our personal electronic devices in today’s American society and culture, so it’s a little bit hard to just let those go. If it bothers you, you are 100% in the right to be upset with your roommate for this violation and should let them know this. They may not like it, but they’ll get over it, and go to the public library to surf the web like the homeless people who don’t have computers.

Expensive Things: Let’s face it. If you’re still at the point in your life where you need a roommate, you don’t have any truly expensive things.

Situation #11: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE WON'T DO DISHES – This is probably the most common complaint that roommates have of their counterparts. General cleanliness is mostly a matter of your internal clock clashing with another’s. Someone wants the dishes done immediately, and someone else doesn’t mind leaving them for a little bit, while they presumably let their meal digest while checking Facebook or Twitter.

The problem is that this digestion period can last anywhere from 30 min. to two weeks (two weeks is typically the cut-off point due to there not being any clean dishes to eat off of anymore). This is quite bothersome for you, not just because of the dish mountain, but because you also will run out of eating utensils.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in this situation is to actually do the dishes yourself. Your roommate is behaving this way because they didn’t get proper parenting, and subconsciously they will start to expect you to do the dishes for them.

First off, you absolutely have to sit down and talk with them and try to come up with a dishwashing policy that works for both of you. This first conversation usually goes over fairly well, but if it goes to well, they will probably continue to be the dirty, lazy piece of shit they’ve become comfortable with being. Being dirty and lazy is a skill that took many years to acquire, and will not likely be undone by your need for a clean sink. So have a few talks and if none of them work ...

Social Networking: Since your lazy roommate seems to enjoy their social networking more than keeping the sink clean, why not include this hobby into your approach.

While lazy, dirty people are totally comfortable being lazy and dirty at home, they feel the need to show how grown-up they are around friends. They will go out of their way to clean things up at a friend’s place, and are very sensitive about being called out in front of their friends. You can use this to your advantage by taking a picture of the dishes when they are left in the sink, then posting them to your preferred social networking site for ALL of their friends to admire. Be sure that you tag them and/or write a nice caption such as:     

                                                                                “Mt. Dishuvius!

                                                     “The Dishes of Madison County”

         “There’s been a 17-dish pile up reported on 85 southbound.”

Keep it light and fun, something that says, “Hey, just kidding, but seriously, do the damn dishes every once in a while.” Make sure that you resort to this method only if you have several conversations with no results as this is very passive aggressive and potentially socially damaging.

Another great method to try is not having a roommate.

Situation #10: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC ALCOHOLIC ROOMMATE IS CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE PLOTTING TO KILL HIM FOR INSURANCE MONEY

      This is a very sensitive situation that should be approached as such.

If your roommate suffers from one or even two of these four mental issues, they can be dealt with in a reasonable manner. All four of these attributes at the same time, however, create a deadly combination, the likes of which have only been recorded a handful of times in the history of roommates. Once the roommate has reached this point, there is no more reasoning with them, and you should not try to.

Your first course of action should be to find a copy of your roommates I.D. and paste your picture on it. You should then get to the nearest bank and take out and insurance policy on your roommate using his stolen identity, leaving all funds to you. Obtain a copy of this policy and get back to the house immediately.

From here you have the option of either;  a) showing your roommate the insurance policy and threatening to kill him, effectively running him away from the house or  b) actually trying killing him, although this is not recommended as we all know that due to the potentially infinite personalities, schizophrenics cannot die.

Situation #9: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS EXCESSIVELY LOUD RELATIONS – Many people experience this problem and not just with roommates but anyone in your building whose bedroom lies adjacent to yours. There have been many theories on how to solve this problem but the only effective action that can be taken is to stop sitting in your room complaining about it and actually have sex yourself for once.

Situation #8: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET –In all likelihood, regardless of the length of your relationship, you probably already knew. Chill out homophobe.

Situation #7: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE IS A VEGAN – As we all know, when someone is a Vegan, they are better than you and find it impossible to resist trying to improve your own eating habits. This is an issue if you eat at home a lot. It is nearly impossible to enjoy meals, as you are constantly (subtly) reminded that the animal you’re consuming didn’t deserve to die.

Just remind them that while, no, that animal did not deserve to die, it is responsible for feeding the majority of the world’s population, unlike their organic bean curd oil.

Situation #6: WHAT TO DO ...

 .       WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS A CONFEDERATE FLAG - In 1842, in probably the most famous account of this situation, future Union Civil War General George McClellan attended West Point University, and was roomed with future Confederate Civil War General A. P. Hill. I can only imagine the conversations that went on in that dorm room.

Future Gen. McLellan: Kind sir, would you terribly mind removing that fixture of hatred from our mantelpiece as it symbolizes all that I will fight to banish from this beautiful country?

Future Gen. Hill: Shut up queer, I’m sleeping!

      In all seriousness, if your roommate has a confederate flag, you should run. Fast. Unless you are white, in which case, try to ignore the flag and refrain from watching anything with Chris Rock in it.

Situation #5: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE BRINGS THEIR SOUTHERN BAPTIST PARENTS HOME FOR DINNER – In most cases, this scenario can be completely avoided by either leaving the house for the evening, or hiding in your bedroom again, however, sometimes your roommate will say to you, “Hey ____, my parents are coming to eat dinner. You want to hang out and meet them?” This leaves you in an awkward social position. You can decline the offer and come up with a good reason not to go (“Ah, I wish I could, but I’ve got this one free Zoo pass and I’ve just got to use it, like today. I’m sorry, another time,”) or you can kindly accept. The benefit of accepting is that your roommate will have a lot more respect for you, and you can use this as a bargaining chip for getting them to do things like put their dishes away or taking trash out.

At dinner, you should be as polite as you know how to be. This will go a long way in making the evening a success. If you would like, you don’t have to say much the whole evening, as long as you remain polite and use words like; ma’am, sir, please, amen, etc. Should you want to up the ante a bit, here are some talking points for your dinner with the Southern Baptists, in addition to some subjects to avoid:

Situation #4: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOU SUSPECT YOUR ROOMMATE MIGHT BE A WITCH – First of all, don’t panic. Second, check thoroughly for signs of witchcraft. Some signs might include but are not limited to: excessive high pitch laughter for no reason, strange herbs in your kitchen and Alan Rickman probably hates him/her (on a side note, avoid living with Winona Ryder [see also Situation #22 WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE STEALS FROM YOU for more reasoning behind this]).

Rooming with a witch can hold many positives if you approach the situation cautiously and thoughtfully. A witch that you are in good standing with is useful for multiple things such as; placing spells on your other asshole roommates if you have them, concocting lovely candles and teas for you and keeping Alan Rickman away from your house.

However, if your witch roommate offers to do some cleaning, you may accept graciously, but calmly inform her that you will be doing the sweeping. And remember, witches ain’t shit but potions and tricks.

Situation #3: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS SHITTY FRIENDS – Shitty friends can be categorized in several different groups (emos, douchebags, Nazis etc.), but let’s just narrow it down to a simple “Group of Three Or More People That Really Irritate You”. This becomes a real problem if you don’t like your roommate much either, as the number of annoying people under your roof is at least 3 times worse than you thought it was.

You can solve this problem by retreating to a more private place when the shitty friends are around. You can spend time in your bedroom, go for a walk, go to one of your cool friends’ places, or go grab a doughnut. If you don’t like your room, walking places, any of your friends, or doughnuts, or if you feel like staying in your own house that you pay rent for, there are other options.

Every shitty person has a kryptonite. Pull your resources together so that you’re ready for any angle, and once you’ve identified their weakness, you can control the situation. For example:

• Your roommate has emo friends: “Hey guys! Check out this Jazz Compilation mix I just burned. It’s so chill. You’re gonna love it!”

• Your roommate has douchebag friends: “Hey guys! Check out these complimentary gym passes I just received in the mail. Oh, shit! They expire tonight. Well, I can’t use them, I’m busy. Here, Take em’!”

• Your roommate has Nazi friends: “Hey guys! We’re about to start our Woody Allen marathon! Now who's down for some Annie Hall?”

In this way, you can run your houseguests off while remaining as hospitable as humanly possible. Sit back and enjoy your doughnut in peace.

Situation #2: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOU WALK IN ON YOUR ROOMMATE HAVING RELATIONS IN A COMMON AREA/YOUR BEDROOM – This is a highly inappropriate infraction that happens a lot more than you would think. In some cases more than once a week. This is an issue that is impossible to ignore and must be dealt with by, analogically speaking, “Staring the snake in the face”.

One way of dealing with this situation is to fix a bowl of cereal and have a conversation with your roommate. However, this only works if they continue their coitus after your arrival. A more effective option is to remove an article of your own clothing when you arrive at the scene of the crime (shoes and socks are as effective as any other) and exclaim something such as “Oh, is it roommate group sex Tuesday already? It totally slipped my mind!” This is 99.7% effective with the 0.3% being that your roommate actually invites you to join, in which case you should join, then seek therapy immediately.

Situation #1: WHAT TO DO ...

         WHEN YOU HAVE A SNORING ROOMMATE –Snoring is caused by a variety of things including: Lack of exercise, excessive fatigue, alcohol consumption before sleep, allergies, etc. So you can sit down with Joe the Roommate and say, “Hey buddy! This living together thing is going really well so far but maybe you could exercise a little bit more and get more sleep, but before you go to sleep, maybe you shouldn’t drink any alcohol. Here’s a Claritin!” But let’s be honest. You’re not going to say that and even if you did, they don’t care enough about your needs to do all of those things. So your other option is to buy yourself some ear plugs and have a cocktail before bed. Snore war.

Introduction

Introduction:

     I want to start this survival guide by making it clear that the tactics in this blog aren’t all things that you should actually do. There are numerous tools that are all wonderful for dealing with bad roommate situations. Several books and articles on the subject are available (albeit usually quite dry ones). The key lesson that most of them will teach you, is that the only way to really deal with a bad situation is to change it. You can do this by talking to the people you live with, moving out, hiring lawyers if you have too, etc. Use your common sense above all. You’re the one who knows if a situation really is bad or if you’re being overly dramatic. Also, try to realize that for everything that bothers you about your roommate, they have something that bothers them about you. 

    As I was writing this manual, I realized that I had been guilty of lots of the things I was writing about (and still am guilty of a quite a few). So try to accept your living partner because they are probably trying to accept you. No one is the perfect roommate, not even amazing you. If you take anything away from this book (other than the fact that hanging out with witches can be awesome), I hope it’s that. And that also, that things could always be worse…